Some call it the knock-knock. The “around the block”. The Return of the Jed-Ex, maybe. What if your ex professed all their feelings to you, and you still cared for them? Would you date them again? Where is the line between giving someone a second chance, and moving on?
Part 1: The Dilemma
The age old question “Do exes deserve another chance?”. It has happened to me, in the past and recently. Previously, I would scoff and shrug them off, because there was no way I wanted them in my life again.
However, what if you still cared for them? They still make you smile, and you feel like hugging them in return. Do you believe in second chances?
There is value in appreciating what you had; there was a reason you dated in the first place. There were elements in that relationship that allowed you to grow a bit more, figure out your needs, dreams, aspirations, and what you needed out of a partner. At least ideally, it wasn’t just trauma and pessimism you walked away with.
So, sure, if they’re coming back apologetic, grown (and aren’t sociopathic), why shouldn’t I give them a second chance? It’s easier than navigating the sewer tunnels that are dating apps in Toronto (sorry, call me). Standing right there is someone who wholeheartedly wants me. If every rom-com ever made has told me anything, it’s that someone professing their feelings for you (and running in airport) is THE ultimate romantic gesture.
Except why is that little nagging voice deep past my ribs doing the :/ face?
Part 2: A Conversation With Myself
My gut yells “The truth is, you did not fundamentally work out for a reason“.
Smooth brained me questions “I don’t see why can’t I just apply what I have learned now, with this person. Isn’t that the point of learning and growing?”.
The part of me that wants to quit being a people pleaser interjects:
“If you wanted to, you would. You wouldn’t hesitate. But you have given yourself closure. You have forgiven this person and moved on. You see them as part of your past, and appreciate them for that. Now let both of you go forward and apply into new people with fresh starts. Relationships shouldn’t have this much overthinking.”
Two things can be true at the same time. You can be hungry and not crave anything. You can care for each other, and not be in a relationship together. Good people don’t always make good relationships.
The art of letting go, ain’t that a deep exhale.
Part 3: The Takeaway
Maybe that is why I got so sick of Nick and Jess’ or Ross and Rachel’s back and forth relationships. Why Normal People was so unbearingly frusterating and sad. It’s why the pact Robin and Ted made in How I Met Your Mother made sense, yet they don’t act on it right away.
Relationships are supposed to allow you to grow into a better version of yourself, and you can choose what version of yourself you would rather be. If there is one thing I have learned from polling all my friends in LTRs, it’s that there is no timing issue when people want to be together. If there is, reflect why, and learn from it. There is no wrong move with the right person.
Enjoy the best parts of what was. Take every past note, positive and negative, and use them as future filters in relationships. You will undeniably tolerate less and recognise what is good for you more. Just keep those filters in focus. Your ex has that title for a reason. Evaluate it by asking yourself, “Is who they are now what I need for myself now, or is it simply comfortable?”.
So if they come back, and you are considering things, do yourself a favour and go out to dinner with them. You will solve all of your problems then and there. You can see each other in new light, see if anything has changed for the better. Or simply appreciate their time, their existence in your past, and catch up. Like a reunion episode. It allowed closure, real closure, not the texting B.S for me. It stops the “what ifs” that kept my mind spinning.
If life is about growth, relationships are about enhancing your enriched life. You are in control, you allow what enhances it.
What is meant to be, will never pass you.
watching passing boats on Bowen Island, B.C.